‘Ey, shit happens.

A little while back someone sent me a website containing something like 300 creative writing prompts in an effort to quiet my constant complaining about how I want to write but never can get started blah blah blah cry some moar. But the crazy thing is, I have read a majority of them, and I must say, they all seem very meh. They don’t give me much desire to write – I’m hopeless! Even sitting here now and writing I feel like quitting and just never come back ever again and taking another year long break. But I must keep writing! Even though I’m writing about hating my writing IT”S STILL WRITING. Shit is crazy! Maybe if I start reading lots and lots again I’d get back into it. I don’t know yo. Back when I used to write like, 30 poems a day I did not read at all, most of the inspiration just came from my brothers. Not even going to lie, everyday they would do some crazy shit and leave with so many thoughts and emotions I couldn’t help but write about it. And all of the poems used to be dark, like, really dark. I am not as young and emotionally charged and confused as I was back in those days, plus both of my brothers are doing SO MUCH BETTER then they were back then, so that inspiration is all but gone. Maybe I should write about how terrible my memory is, or or my balance is terrible, and I find myself randomly beginning to tip at any given moment. Or I could write a little story about how badly I want to get all the chemical amounts measured in my stupid skull so I can find out for sure what may or may not be wrong with me. Then make a sequel to that best-selling book about how my anxiety and nervous twitches are getting worse and worse. Ugh. Chances are, I will turn myself into a character and just use me/him as the center of a novel. I’m not that interesting…

And just as a side note to all of this, I hate intrusive thoughts. Out of nowhere I’ll start thinking of a situation. and it usually just keeps progressing and keeps going off in strange tangents and weird shit that I am really not in any control of. Or, I or people I know end up injured or dead. It’s never anything good or stuff I want to see. It’s either random, or like, triggered. For example, I’ll see someone trip on a curb, then INSTANTLY im picturing me doing the same thing but tripping and disfiguring myself, then living the rest of my life like that. and picturing interactions and shit. It’s annoying., I have brought myself to tears playing out my brothers deaths. The worst part is that I can never stop it, I hate it. I do not have control over my thoughts. My head is always moving, always always always always. I’ve always said ‘My only thoughts are of what I’m going to think about next’. I guess my mind just tries really hard to keep itself busy and not focus on shit and just figures if it’s always moving, even if it’s not precise, it’ll be fine. Maybe that is why I twitch and move a lot and bounce around, busy work. Don’t think im interesting though, im just a kid. Until I contract a rare disease and die young I’m just a kid. And another thing, I try really hard to be respectable in public, and be likeable as person, and no one really seems to see that. I try really, REALLY hard. Words of wisdom – Anxiety is a dirty whore, don’t let it get the best of you.

At least my life is going good, I really can not complain. Going to school, driving a car, still with Danielle. I wish I was good at writing sappy inspirational poetry, because I’m sure I could find inspiration there! I can live with my anxiety, no problem, as long as my life outside of my heads continues as it is. The only thing that could make it better would be Ed coming back to the Northeast and shit.

Peace out.

Hi Danielle!

I’m kind of hoping you’re going to check up on this site again soon, since I know how much you want me to get back into this, well here ya go! I’m back! But sadly enough I’m also way tired, so all I have to say right now is I love you, and I will see you in 10 minutes.

This is so intense, my existence is so intense…