‘Ey, shit happens.

A little while back someone sent me a website containing something like 300 creative writing prompts in an effort to quiet my constant complaining about how I want to write but never can get started blah blah blah cry some moar. But the crazy thing is, I have read a majority of them, and I must say, they all seem very meh. They don’t give me much desire to write – I’m hopeless! Even sitting here now and writing I feel like quitting and just never come back ever again and taking another year long break. But I must keep writing! Even though I’m writing about hating my writing IT”S STILL WRITING. Shit is crazy! Maybe if I start reading lots and lots again I’d get back into it. I don’t know yo. Back when I used to write like, 30 poems a day I did not read at all, most of the inspiration just came from my brothers. Not even going to lie, everyday they would do some crazy shit and leave with so many thoughts and emotions I couldn’t help but write about it. And all of the poems used to be dark, like, really dark. I am not as young and emotionally charged and confused as I was back in those days, plus both of my brothers are doing SO MUCH BETTER then they were back then, so that inspiration is all but gone. Maybe I should write about how terrible my memory is, or or my balance is terrible, and I find myself randomly beginning to tip at any given moment. Or I could write a little story about how badly I want to get all the chemical amounts measured in my stupid skull so I can find out for sure what may or may not be wrong with me. Then make a sequel to that best-selling book about how my anxiety and nervous twitches are getting worse and worse. Ugh. Chances are, I will turn myself into a character and just use me/him as the center of a novel. I’m not that interesting…

And just as a side note to all of this, I hate intrusive thoughts. Out of nowhere I’ll start thinking of a situation. and it usually just keeps progressing and keeps going off in strange tangents and weird shit that I am really not in any control of. Or, I or people I know end up injured or dead. It’s never anything good or stuff I want to see. It’s either random, or like, triggered. For example, I’ll see someone trip on a curb, then INSTANTLY im picturing me doing the same thing but tripping and disfiguring myself, then living the rest of my life like that. and picturing interactions and shit. It’s annoying., I have brought myself to tears playing out my brothers deaths. The worst part is that I can never stop it, I hate it. I do not have control over my thoughts. My head is always moving, always always always always. I’ve always said ‘My only thoughts are of what I’m going to think about next’. I guess my mind just tries really hard to keep itself busy and not focus on shit and just figures if it’s always moving, even if it’s not precise, it’ll be fine. Maybe that is why I twitch and move a lot and bounce around, busy work. Don’t think im interesting though, im just a kid. Until I contract a rare disease and die young I’m just a kid. And another thing, I try really hard to be respectable in public, and be likeable as person, and no one really seems to see that. I try really, REALLY hard. Words of wisdom – Anxiety is a dirty whore, don’t let it get the best of you.

At least my life is going good, I really can not complain. Going to school, driving a car, still with Danielle. I wish I was good at writing sappy inspirational poetry, because I’m sure I could find inspiration there! I can live with my anxiety, no problem, as long as my life outside of my heads continues as it is. The only thing that could make it better would be Ed coming back to the Northeast and shit.

Peace out.

Hi Danielle!

I’m kind of hoping you’re going to check up on this site again soon, since I know how much you want me to get back into this, well here ya go! I’m back! But sadly enough I’m also way tired, so all I have to say right now is I love you, and I will see you in 10 minutes.

This is so intense, my existence is so intense…

Who’s big now!

See! I told you! I half forgot about this bloody thing. But i also told you that I really want to keep writing in it, so I’m going to start writing in it. But it just sucks because I know I’m going to talk about nothing has happened to me since my last entry, and I know that it is usually all that I will ever say, ever. But what sucks even MORE then all of that is the fact that it is just a blatant lie. In any given day someone can come up with fifty million things to write about, and yet in a few days I can not think of one? I guess I just live for the moment, but to the extreme. The second I walk away from a situation it’s a thing of the past. I could get robbed, yet still have nothing to talk about in this thing. I really just want to know why because I hate that trait. If a kid is expected (or wants) to write, how is it possible if he simply drifts through his day, and is stuck with a blank head at the end of the night. And shit, even if something does happen my head simply races instead. Ok, so if it’s not the living for the moment, or the drifting through my day, I guess it is possible that nothing excites me anymore. I guess I just simply do not want to write about my day, because it IS the same thing everyday. Maybe all the pizazz is gone. Shucks…

Regardless of why my life seems so bland and repetitive, here is what I did all day. A majority of it was consumed by sleeping, which for me is not a surprise. I fell asleep and 5:30, and woke up at 5:30. Seems insane right? Well that’s summer, totally fucks up my sleep cycle. But the only reason I slept that late was because I had been up for a good 36 hours. I did not want to set an alarm so I just let myself sleep in. And now once again here I am until 5:30, what the fuck. After that I forced Dani to drive far as shit to get to Red Robin so we could eat. Haha, sorry about that! ‘Twas delicious nonetheless. After Red Robin it was back to her house for some good ol’ Super Monkey Ball and Airplane. She’s something else, let me tell ya.

I remember in my post about the lady and the car accident, I received a comment from someone telling me to check out Stoicism. Believe it or not, I did! And if he someone manages to read this blog again, he’ll know. But on to why I bring it up. I did like the concept of it, and I do suggest that everybody go check it out. But sadly enough, my fear of dying (murder to be super precise) just completely trumps it. Sure I can look past a petty little car accident, but the second I hear news of a human being having the mindset to single handedly END ANOTHER HUMAN BEINGS LIFE I once again lose all faith in society. How, how is that shit done. How can you walk up to someone and kill them. How can you purposely end someone’s existence, cut them short of their dreams. I can not fathom the kind of thoughts that can go through such a person’s head, it sickens me. Knowing that there are sickos out there that are willing to implant a bullet into my freshly carved brain makes me terrified, and I really do not want to be terrified. I would love to be able to walk to a Wawa without looking behind me every three seconds. I for one can not hit a person, and to imagine myself murdering somebody makes me shiver. If you are a murderer and read this blog, could you tell me.

Yes I know, I am afraid of dying. Sue me! I do not want to leave the people I know early, especially without getting the chance to say bye. Maybe when I’m an old man I will be able to come to terms with death, but until then I absolutely enjoy my time on earth (and so should you). A majority of my pseudo-phobias stem from situations where I can die. I hate sitting in a car with a speedy driver, because I know there is a chance I can die. I hate being in high places, because I know that I can die. Claustrophobia plays a part in this too. It’s weird really, but it all just freaks me out. Even on top of the Space Needle, which has stood for decades and is incredibly secure, all I could think about was that thing taking a tumble. Oh yeah, fuck ladders!

Well, it is kind of super late now, and chances are when I attempt to sneak up the stairs I’m going to wake my mom up. Because of this she will wake me up at a stupid early hour and give me a speech on preparing me to be tired later on that night…right. I just rolled my eyes.

“Everyone learns faster on fire”
- Alkaline trio

Oh the horror!

I really hate people sometimes. Like, a deep hatred of their character. And this lady i saw as I left work was certainly one of these people who I can feel a DEEEEEEP hatred for. Ok, so here’s the deal. As I was leaving work I witnessed what appeared to be the aftermath of an accident. It took place on the entrance/exit jawn of my works parking lot. There was only one car present, and it seemed to be on it’s way out when the ordeal happened (my guess is the second car had enough courtesy to move). Now the one car that was there was riddled with kids, I mean covered. This woman and her friend (sister, lover?) had at least 5 kids in there, all rather young. It was a minivan, and as the kids hung out the open side door, the driver of this car made herself known. And when I say known, I’d imagine the cops knew where she was before they were called. She was going to town on this dude, I mean full on screaming. “Did you not see my fucking lights?”, “Look how hard you hit my fucking car!”, “I got my fucking kids in there!!”. Just, wow.

I understand how she must have felt, feeling as if her kids were in a present danger, but come on lady. All of the kids were fine, in fact, they all looked bored. None were crying, they just sat there waiting for their mom to finish popping 30 blood vessels in her eye. Honestly, if you care so much about your kids, watch your FUCKING mouth. Every line this woman said was ungodly loud, and littered with ‘f’ bombs. Lady, I know you did not forget about your kids, so why must you be talking like that. Years and years of listening to you is going to scar them much more then that accident will. My favorite part though was how this guy was taking it all. He sat absolutely still, trying to calm this behemoth down. Even though his efforts were meaningless, he kept it up. That takes some serious patience, especially ’cause he probably knew that if he were to curse, he would not hear the end of it from this lady. And chances are it was her fault. people turning onto harbison from the exit love to hog up the entire space provided, so people coming in either have to try and squeeze by, or they must wait for the ignorant ones to move. So I just have a sneaking suspicion this girl didn’t move.

Plus, after the whole ‘accident’ took place (which honestly could not have been anything more then a tap if this guy managed to move his car and blend it in with all the others), she refused to move. As cars tried exiting the parking lot, you heard her once more. “Oh no you don;t, you ain’t fucking leaving, we all staying”. Foreal though? Do you have any type of compassion for any other human being, like…ever. I can’t wait for the cops to get there. She will shut the fuck up, they will tell her to move her shit, and every witness for protest against her so fast. I would have loved to seen it. Better yet, I would’ve loved to seen that guy put her in her place. No! Better yet, I would have loved to go over there and shut her up myself.

People really disgust me sometimes. Why do you need to react like that, it is uncalled for. It does not matter whether or not she had the kids with her, you can not go into a situation like that with a mindset like that and expect to walk out of it with any sense of progress whatsoever. We need to start working together man, or I’m never getting my license.

Hooligans.

Where to start, where to start…

Since every now and again I’ll get unbelievably frustrated by how people handle themselves these days, and I’ll inevitably post some long ranting bulletin on MySpace about how much it bothers me, I’ve decided to try and put some of those thoughts into a blog, so I can just refer to this when needed. Keep in mind, whenever I post the bulletins, I’m usually very angry, so I might not get the same effect in here, but I’ll try.

To be blunt, I find everybody to be incredibly selfish, and they refuse to realize everything that they have in front of them. Shame on you all! I’m always seeing and hearings kid constantly talking shit on themselves, their friends, and their family. I always read long drawn out rants about how much a kid hates their lives over the most petty shit imaginable, and most of the time it pisses me off. Can any of you grasp what that statement even means? You hate your life. Your fucking LIFE! Over what, a botched relationship? Or maybe your parents like to yell every now and again? Welcome to the thing I like to call ‘growing up’. Instead of hating your life, try and realize how beautiful it really is.Compared to the universe, you’re a speck, a tiny piece of dust, but yet you’re given the chance to live. You are able to see, to breath, to think, to walk, to touch, to smell, the list seriously goes on. Don’t you ever feel lucky? Lucky that you were born on a piece of rock that happens to be able to support life? Fucking right I am. Either I’m who I am, or a little shitbug in the middle of the woods, or I am non-existent.

I don’t know, that seemed kind of, trippy didn’t it? It was way to vague for my argument. But basically, I wish people would stop and count their blessings. I don’t care how cliche that sounds, because it never gets old. Regardless of what your stupid teenage head tells you, you have friends. You have people there for you at ALL times, please do not forget that. And no matter how many times your parents yell at you, they still love you. I remember one time, I read a bulletin where a girl talked about how much she hated her mom because she wouldn’t let her move out. HEY YOU! Maybe she isn’t letting you leave because she doesn’t want you to leave her, not because she hates you. She’s your mom, she loves you, she doesn’t want you to abandon her at your age. Realize this!

Now, I know a lot of people have some serious problems, everything affects everyone differently. But I just want people to realize how old they are, and how much time they have left on the earth. Do you ever feel like your week drags on? Imagine thousands and thousands more of them. You have so much time to make shit better, to make yourself happy. Don’t feel like one event is going to ruin your life forever, because it’s too early to tell. You always read stories where successful people in our world didn’t find their talent until they were around our age. You’re life, if anything, is just beginning.

I dare you to go up to any adult in your life, and ask them if they’ve ever dealt with some of the shit you deal with. Chances are, yes. Now ask them if they gave up – the answer should be so obvious.

Really people, just be happy with the shit you got now, if anything, accept it. Good and bad, accept it. You could wake up tomorrow and be two-million dollars richer, or find your friend dead on your couch. That anticipation alone is enough to keep me going.

I believe in all of you, I believe every human being has the potential to change everything, and I mean everything. I believe we all have an immense amount of good in our beings, and I believe that this good in all of us with make everything better. I just hope you all can find a way to believe too.

” Be grateful that you have a brain for thinking, And legs to take you places”

- Tsunami Bomb.

It would seem so.

yawn.

My phone says it is 4:38 am, but who’s counting. Every single summer of my life, my sleep schedule gets absolutely destroyed. And as I sit here, waiting for my room to cool down, wiping off sweat, cursing my big fingers on a little screen, and fighting to fall asleep, I actually kind of realize how much it sucks. I did it in middle school simply because school was out, and I was able to. I guess the first few years of high school were the same. But now that I’m working and have a beautiful girlfriend to take care of, I truely wish sleep was not so scarce. I was in my basement playing video games, and for a second I thought I was 12 hours ahead of schedule. What was midnight, I believed to be noon. When I realized the actual time of day, all I wanted to do was sleep it off…

Geeze man, I am so sick of summer. Humidity in Philadelphia is nothing to fuck with. Give me hoodie weather anyday. Plus this winter I’m trying to rock a pea coat, so naturally, I am pretty excited. I looked for one today, but they didn’t get them for a month – boo. After that I spent my day/night with dani, although I wasn’t awake for a little bit. It’s good how I pass out there, but fail to get heavy eyelids in my own home. Something about this place man. Tomorrow though, I plan on playing Fable all day, oh boy! . And yes, I plan on making my character evil as shit. Does anyone ever pick light over dark in a video game situation? That kind of says a lot. Either we love dark colors, or we really want to break out and do something villianous. To be honest with you, I would rather have some successful middle-aged business man rob me then some 14 year old kid who comes from his idea of a broken home. Just way too many patterns for me, let me tell you.

I just passed out 2 seconds ago. So I’ll finish this tomorrow. Goodnight. <3

I’m awake! But now I’m too tired to write. Sonuvagun I am always tired, it just does not seem to end. Alright, on to right now. I;m sitting here waiting for Fable to finish (still) and it is taking way too long for me. I’m incredibly hot as well, and just getting downright impatient. Here’s a lesson for you, sleep. Sleep is good, extremely good. Oh how I miss it.

” Neither can the wave that has passed by be recalled, nor the hour which has passed return again.”

-Ovid

Keepin’ It Oldschool AGAIN!

December ‘07

“Where to start, where to start…

Since every now and again I’ll get unbelievably frustrated by how people handle themselves these days, and I’ll inevitably post some long ranting bulletin about how much it bothers me, I’ve decided to try and put some of those thoughts into a blog, so I can just refer to this when needed. Keep in mind, whenever I post the bulletins, I’m usually very angry, so I might not get the same effect in here, but I’ll try.

To be blunt, everybody is incredibly selfish, and refuses to realize everything that they have in front of them. Shame on you! I’m always seeing and hearings kid constantly talking shit on themselves, their freinds, and their family. I always read long drawn out rants about how much a kid hates their lives over the most petty shit imaginable, and most of the time it pisses me off. Can any of you grasp what that statement even means? You hate your life. You’re fucking LIFE! Over what, a botched relationship? Or maybe your parents like to yell every now and again? Welcome to the thing I like to call ‘growing up’. Instead of hating your life, try and realize how beautiful it really is.Compared to the universe, you’re a speck, a tiny piece of dust, but yet you’re given the chance to live. You are able to see, to breath, to think, to walk, to touch, to smell, the list seriously goes on. Don’t you ever feel lucky? Lucky that you were born on a piece of rock that happens to be able to support life? Fucking right I am. Either I’m who I am, a little shitbug in the middle of the woods, or I am non-existant.

I don’t know, that seemed kind of, trippy didn’t it? It was way to vague for my argument. But basically, I wish people would stop and count their blessings. I don’t care how cliche that sounds, because it never gets old. Regardless of what your stupid teenage head tells you, you have friends. You have people there for you at ALL times, please do not forget that. And no matter how many times your parents yell at you, they still love you. I remember one time, I read a bulletin where a girl talked about how much she hated her mom because she wouldn’t let her move out. HEY YOU! Maybe she isn’t letting you leave because she doesn’t want you to leave her, not because she hates you. She’s your mom, she loves you, she doesn’t want you to abandon her at your age. Realize this!

Now, I know a lot of people have some serious problems, everything affects everyone differently. But I just want people to realize how old they are, and how much time they have left on the earth. Do you ever feel like your week drags on? Imagine thousands and thousands more of them. You have so much time to make shit better, to make yourself happy. Don’t feel like one event is going to ruin your life forever, because it’s too early to tell. You always read stories where successful people in our world didn’t find their talent until they were around our age. You’re life, if anything, is just beginning.

I dare you to go up to any adult in your life, and ask them if they’ve ever dealt with some of the shit you deal with. Chances are, yes. Now ask them if they gave up – the answer should be so obvious.

Really people, just be happy with the shit you got now, if anything, accept it. Good and bad, accept it. You could wake up tomorrow and be two-million dollars richer, or find your friend dead on your couch. That anticipation alone is enough to keep me going.

I believe in all of you, I believe every human being has the potential to change everything, and I mean everything. I believe we all have an immense amount of good in our beings, and I believe that this good in all of us with make everything better. I just hope you all can find a way to believe too.”

Keepin’ It Oldschool.

When i was little, I tried really hard to be some edgy angry writer person, sadly enough they only stayed on the Myspace bulletin board for a solid half hour, then got deleted. I don’t know, but when I read over them, they really don’t seem too bad to me (albeit they are angry-ish). I feel like posting one now. And don’t expect a quote at the end of this one. It’s a different kind of post, chyeah.

“To tell you the truth, I don’t think human beings have a purpose, at least not anymore. When our ancestors were placed here, all they need to do wass keep giant and primitive beasts in check, they needed to survive. Using their spears and loud, jumbled speach, they tamed and killed the only things they had to worry about on the earth. They were all unified in this one ordeal. Simple enough.

As time passed, we grew up. We grew aware of our surroundings, and quickly became aware of this “god” character. Soon after, we destroyed him. And soon after THAT everyone developed some self-supporting ideas on how shit works, and started to diverge onto their own paths. Everything had an opposite, everyone had their own ‘purpose’. The police fought the criminals, the doctors treated the addicts. They fought each other for what they believed was right, no common goal was alive in their minds. When you look at the Earths diversity, you see our lack of a common goal. If there was even such a thing, we would all be in the same boat, fighting the same monster. The combined powers of 2,000,000,000 happy faces would not only destroy it, but obliterate it. Replace it’s very memory with more and more smiles. But sadly enough, a ‘common goal’ does not exist, it may never exist. All we have is different meanings of happiness, and while they can be seen as o.k., they also fuel fires, they drive mankind apart. What is right and just for one person could be sick and unimaginable for the other. Selfishness is evident everywhere you turn, ignorance must be bliss. While some corporate hotshot is sitting upon his millions, his wife is off sucking some dudes dick, trying to find her meaning of happiness. It’s hard to see any type of fairness in these ordeals. I like to believe a common goal will never exist, I like the idea of an equilibrium much better. Let him sit upon his millions, but let his health rot to shit. Let her paw at love and affection through adultery, but one day find a fatal disease.

Can we just go back in time, please? Where the common goal was simple, just to make it through the day? Don’t get so worked up over petty shit, be grateful. Every now and again go outside, or lay down for a little. And as you think, kill a few demons. Kill these giant and primitive beats inside of you. We are nothing but the anxious children of cavemen. Reclaim our purpose, and be happy.”

God knows what I’m doing here.

See? My neighborhood is totally epiphany worthy.

I’d be lying if I said this was my first attempt at any blogging site ever. I’ve always wanted to do it, but it always felt like I would have an epiphany out and about, and when I get home to document it, the thing disappears. But luckily, I downloaded the iPhone app for this site, and I figured I’d give it a go. When my life makes complete sense to me as I’m roaming around Philadelphia, I’ll be able to write it down. And honestly I’m a little excited.

Now my only problem is to figure out what to write in this first post. I could write all about me, but that’s stupid. Shit like that I should be able to slowly open up about, you know? Why spoil all the fun in the very first post! One fact at a time man, one fact at a time. So I guess my fact for this post would be this: Dani(elle) Cornog is a very beautiful girl. She is my girlfriend, and I care for her lots. With all of the ignorant self-obsessed drunks this neighborhood tends to produce, it’s always good to find someone who can give you some hope in society, na mean?

Oh geeze, I guess the next step would be to tell you about my day, meh. Summer has been nothing exciting for me. With the exception of spending time with my best friend and my girlfriend, it has been a whole lot of work and sleep. Some time I ago I cut myself off from a large number of people. Partly because I was a depressed little kid who knew nothing about anything, and partly because these kids were depressed slightly OLDER kids who knew nothing about anything. While some find a life of solitude a bit discouraging, I kind of like it. I am free of their drama, of all the bullshit people would make up, purely for their own amusement. I have abandoned their ignorance, their stupidity towards topics they could never understand until they experience it themselves. Sure, I miss them all sometimes, but I feel so peaceful. And yeah, my summer has not been an exciting one, but I have been happy. So if you need to know about my day, sure. I slept in (worked 3 shitty shifts at my work in a row), and then came online. There, there you have it. And all I plan on doing today is sitting in all day, maybe making a trip to Wawa. And I can’t WAIT.

Maybe I’ll end each post with a song lyric, or a quote from a book. It’d be interesting. although I listen to a lot of death metal, and a majority of those lyrics aren’t exactly inspiring XD. But don’t worry! My iTunes is chock full of so much variety, I listen to every type of music under the sun, I will find something good. Today though, I think I’ll hit up some literature.

“Perhaps the flaw in man is exactly this: that he doesn’t know how he ought to live.”
- Daniel Quinn

G’DAY MATE.